DT Exclusive: Ask Kaka (Clasico preview edition)

Category: Football

Publish Date: 12-06-2011 02:20 PM -0500

The chaos of yet another Clasico will soon be upon us and in anticipation of that earth-trembling event, Kaka has once again visited a group of school children to answer their questions. The following is a transcript of that session.

Kaka: Good morning, beautiful children! I am so excited to be here with you so close to such an important match. I can't wait to answer your questions, so please ask anything you like! Who's first?

Bruce: Hi, Kaka. I'm Bruce and I'm nine and a half. Do you think you can beat Barcelona?

Kaka: Good question, Bruce! We're certainly going to try. We did it last year in the Copa del Rey final, so we are confident that we can do it again. I hope we can! Who has another question?

Tammi: Hi, Kaka. I'm Tammi and I like corn. It's been a few days since your last injury. Do you think you'll get hurt again soon? Do you think your neck will explode?

Kaka: Oh my! I- I hope not. Why would my neck explode? No, I feel very good right now, Tammi. I'm ready for the match this weekend. My neck definitely will not explode. Does anyone else have a question?

Jamie: Hi, Kaka. I'm Jamie and I have two dogs. If Cristiano Ronaldo loses the Ballon d'Or to Xavi or Messi, will you ask Jesus to give them food poisoning?

Kaka: Of course not! I would never do that and neither would Jesus. I would love to see Cristiano win the award, but Xavi and Lionel are also deserving of it. So, no, I would not ask Jesus to give them food poisoning.

Danny: Hi, Kaka. I'm Danny and I love Real Madrid. Do you think Jose Mourinho will finally stab Pep Guardiola with a homemade knife on Saturday?

Kaka: Wow- I...I think you children are a little too excited for this match. I know there has been a lot of tension between Real and Barca over the last few years, but we must remember that it's just a game, children. Please don't forget that. It's supposed to be fun! And joyous! Now who has the next question?

Jamon: Hi, Kaka. My name is Jamon and Xavi wanted me to ask you if you could tell Real to lose on purpose and let Barcelona go top of the table so Cesc doesn't suffer. And then he started crying because Cesc is suffering.

Kaka: I, uh, I can't do that, Jamon. Please tell Xavi that I'm sorry, but I'm sure Cesc will survive.

Jamon: Xavi said he won't.

Kaka: Well, I'm really sorry. I don't want to upset anyone. I just...can we have another question, please?

Pamela: Hi, Kaka. My name is Pamela and my mom remembers when you won the Ballon d'Or. She said that if Real Madrid can't beat Barcelona this time, she's going to give my brother a Sergio Busquets shirt for Christmas and make me live in the freezer. We both can't stop crying since she said that. Please don't make that happen, Kaka.

Kaka: Oh wow- wow I...I don't know what to say. That's not a question, but why would your mother do that to your brother? I promise we will try our best to win, but I'm sure she wouldn't do something that terrible to him even if we don't. I hope. I think maybe we should stop soon. So...does anyone have a question that won't make me feel sad inside?

Ron: Hi Kaka, I'm Ron and I talk to fish. What do you want for Christmas? I want your wife.

Kaka: That's not a very polite thing to say, Ron. But I will answer your question anyway. I really want...I really want...hmm, this is very strange, children, but my neck feels odd...

Tammi: I told you! I told you!

Kaka: Jesus.

[Kaka's neck explodes, candy flies out]

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